作文批改请求,

🗣 SL提问: 作文批改请求

✍️ Ai批改: ## 1. 作文得分（满分30分）

这篇作文的得分可以评为 25分。文章虽然有清晰的叙事脉络，但仍有提升的空间，尤其是在语言表达、句子结构和细节描写方面。

## 2. 作文评语

整体上，作文的主题明确，讲述了 Emma 在比赛中遇到挫折后重新整理思路，最终取得第一名的故事。文章展现了她在失败后不放弃、坚持不懈的精神，这是很积极的主题。但在语言表达、语法、词汇选择和句子流畅性方面仍有优化空间。

## 3. 批改结果（指出语法/拼写错误）

1. 拼写和语法错误：
- "With time flowing by" 可以改为 As time went by 或 With time passing by，更加自然。
- "the essay wasn't the same as the original one" 可以改为 the essay wasn't the same as the original one，但句子可以再流畅一些。
- "When it was turned to her" 表达不清晰，建议改为 When she was called to present 或 When it was her turn。
- "her project in a determined voice" 可以改为 her project confidently，表达更简洁。
- "No sooner had she finished than the audience broke into thunderous applause." 这句表达很好，但可以考虑优化句子结构。
- "With her hands trembling and the throat tightening, sweat began to roll down her face." 句子结构可以调整为 Her hands trembled, her throat tightened, and sweat rolled down her face.
- "Would she be the winner?" 可以改为 She wondered if she would be the winner?，更加自然。
- "Mr. Reynolds smiled at her, with his eyes sparkling with pride, 'You have won the first place.'" 建议改为 Mr. Reynolds smiled at her with sparkling eyes and said, "You have won first place."，引号使用更规范。

## 4. 更多表达（更地道表达建议）

- With time flowing by 可以改为 As time went by 或 Time flew by，更加自然。
- exhausted but determined 可以改为 exhausted yet determined，使用 yet 来连接对比关系更地道。
- tried her best to recreate conclusion 可以改为 made every effort to recreate her conclusion，表达更丰富。
- her heart pounding quickly 可以改为 her heart racing，更加生动。
- With the sense of excitement written all over her face 可以改为 A look of excitement was written all over her face 或 Excitement lit up her face。
- It was her passion on science the the spirit of perseverance that moved the teachers. 可以改为 Her passion for science and her spirit of perseverance moved the teachers.

## 5. 内容提升（结构/逻辑/内容优化建议）

1. 增加过渡句：
文章可以增加一些过渡句或连接词，使得段落之间的逻辑更加清晰，例如：
- However, Despite that, In addition 等。

2. 细节描写：
- 可以加入更多细节描写，比如 Emma 当时的心理活动，例如 Her mind was filled with doubts, but she took a deep breath and focused on her project.

3. 句子结构优化：
- 某些句子较长，可以考虑断句以提升可读性。

## 6. 范文展示（参考范文）

参考范文：

Taking a deep breath, Emma decided to start over. As time went by, she remained exhausted yet determined to complete her project. She meticulously counted the data, recalled the key points, and tried her best to recreate her conclusion. Eventually, Emma finished her presentation essay right before the fair. Although it wasn't perfect, she felt confident because she knew she had given it her all.

When it was her turn to present, her heart was racing, and she began to speak in a clear, determined voice. No sooner had she finished than the audience erupted into thunderous applause.

After the fair, the winners were to be announced. Emma's hands were trembling, her throat tightened, and sweat rolled down her face. She wondered if she would be the winner. Then, she heard Mr. Reynolds' voice in her mind: "Congratulations, Emma." Mr. Reynolds smiled at her with sparkling eyes and said, "You have won first place."

Emma's eyes widened in surprise. Excitement lit up her face, and she felt an overwhelming sense of pride. Reflecting on this experience, Emma realized that what truly mattered was never giving up and the spirit of perseverance.

这篇范文在原有基础上调整了部分句子，使其表达更加自然流畅，并增强了细节描写。