作文批改请求,

🗣 SL提问: 作文批改请求

✍️ Ai批改: ## 1. 作文得分（满分30分）

这篇作文的得分可以评为 24 分。文章虽然有清晰的脉络和完整的故事，但有一些语法、拼写和表达上的问题需要修改。

## 2. 作文评语

这篇作文整体上表达了 Emma 在科学展览中面对失败后重新努力，最终获得第一名的故事。文章有一定的情感描写，但语言表达和结构上仍有提升空间。

## 3. 批改结果（指出语法/拼写错误）

1. 拼写和语法错误：
- "With time flowing by," 建议改为 As time went by, 或 With time passing by,
- "the essay wasn't the same as the original one" 可以改为 the essay wasn't the same as the original one, → the essay wasn't the same as it was originally,（表达更清晰）
- "When it was turned to her" 建议改为 When it was her turn, 或 When she was called to present,
- "No sooner had she finished than the audience broke into thunderous applause." → 句子本身没错，但可以优化为 No sooner had she finished than the audience erupted into thunderous applause.
- "With her hands trembling and the throat tightening, sweat began to roll down her face." → Her hands were trembling and her throat tightened as sweat rolled down her face.
- "With the sense of excitement written all over her face" 可以改为 Excitement was written all over her face, 或 Her face lit up with excitement,

2. 其他问题：
- 句子结构有些简单，缺乏连接词和过渡句。
- 表达可以更生动和地道。

## 4. 更多表达（更地道表达建议）

- With time passing by 或 As time went by → 句子开头可以更流畅。
- exhausted but determined → Although she was exhausted, she remained determined（更自然的表达）
- recount the key points → recalling the key points （避免重复）
- her project in a determined voice → her project in a confident voice（更合适的形容词）
- the audience broke into thunderous applause → the audience erupted into thunderous applause（更生动的动词）
- With her hands trembling and the throat tightening → Her hands trembled and her throat tightened（更简洁）
- "You have won the first place." → "Congratulations, Emma. You have won first place." （更自然的表达）

## 5. 内容提升（结构/逻辑/内容优化建议）

### 结构优化：
1. 开头：
- 可以更具体地描述 Emma 当时的心情，比如 Despite being exhausted, Emma decided to start over with renewed determination.

2. 主体部分：
- 可以增加 Emma 遇到困难时的心理描写，例如 She felt frustrated but didn't give up.

3. 高潮部分：
- 演讲时的紧张感可以描述得更生动，例如 Her voice trembled slightly as she began her presentation.

4. 结尾：
- 可以更深刻地总结，例如 This experience taught her that perseverance and hard work truly matter.

### 逻辑优化：
- 可以增加一些过渡句，使得文章更连贯。例如：
- After regaining her composure, Emma continued working on her project.

## 6. 范文展示（参考范文）

参考范文：

Taking a deep breath, Emma decided to start over. As time went by, she remained exhausted yet determined to complete her project. She meticulously reviewed the data, recalled the key points, and tried her best to recreate her conclusion. Eventually, Emma finished her presentation essay before the fair. Although it wasn't perfect, she felt confident that she had given it her all.

When it was her turn to present, her heart pounded quickly. With a newfound sense of determination, Emma began to speak in a clear and steady voice. No sooner had she finished than the audience erupted into thunderous applause.

After the fair, the winners were to be announced. Emma's hands trembled and her throat tightened as sweat rolled down her face. Would she be the winner? She heard a voice in her mind. Just then, Mr. Reynolds smiled at her with pride and said, "Congratulations, Emma. You have won first place!" Her eyes widened in surprise. The sense of excitement was written all over her face.

Reflecting on this experience, Emma realized that what truly mattered was never giving up. Her passion for science and the spirit of perseverance had moved the teachers. This moment was a reminder that hard work and determination lead to success.

## 修改后的作文

```markdown
Taking a deep breath, Emma decided to start over. As time went by, she remained exhausted yet determined to complete her project. She meticulously reviewed the data, recalled the key points, and tried her best to recreate her conclusion. Eventually, Emma finished her presentation essay before the fair. Although it wasn't perfect, she felt confident that she had given it her all.

When it was her turn to present, her heart pounded quickly. With a newfound sense of determination, Emma began to speak in a clear and steady voice. No sooner had she finished than the audience erupted into thunderous applause.

After the fair, the winners were to be announced. Emma's hands trembled and her throat tightened as sweat rolled down her face. Would she be the winner? She heard a voice in her mind. Just then, Mr. Reynolds smiled at her with pride and said, "Congratulations, Emma. You have won first place!" Her eyes widened in surprise. The sense of excitement was written all over her face.

Reflecting on this experience, Emma realized that what truly mattered was never giving up. Her passion for science and the spirit of perseverance had moved the teachers. This moment was a reminder that hard work and determination lead to success.
```